Semi-Tough by Dan Jenkins

Author:Dan Jenkins [Jenkins, Dan]
Language: eng
Format: epub, mobi
Published: 2011-04-24T05:00:00+00:00

Well, friends, I am finally out of my lemon-lime bubble bath and I'm sitting here on a stool by the dressing table, but I am going to have to take a shower now, because of something that took place in the past thirty minutes.

There I was, all comfortable in my tub with my tape recorder and a cigarette, when the bathroom door cracked open and this voice came floating through.

It was singing.

What the voice sang was:

His achin' muscles soaked in that old tub where he was sittin',

A day's drive was done and that was good.

But his drivin' never ended, just like a woman's knittin',

And his life was just as lonely as that engine 'neath the hood.

Oh how he'd drive, drive, drive that big old truck

It was Elroy Blunt, naturally.

He poked his head in the door wearing a large floppy-brimmed suede hat.

"Clyde!" he whooped. "They told me you was in the tub so I made that up from the living room to here. Good to see you, son."

I told Elroy he was still a genius and I was delighted to see him. And I was.

"They's good times ahead, Clyde," he said. "Nuthin' but good times."

How's it going? I asked.

"Just as smooth as the inside of a little old girlie's thigh," he said. "How 'bout your own self?"

Good, I said.

"You look good, son," he said. "Takin' them old fag baths and all. Marvin Tiller looks good, out there in the livin' room wearin' his pirate shirt and his velvet pants. Barbara Jane looks her same old delectable self, just as if the Old Skipper sent her to us from upstairs. And I want to congratulate you on that there Cissy what's-her-name. Hmmmmmmmm, son. Strong."

She's comforting, I said.

"Clyde, that Cissy what's-her-name's got to be stronger than a family of Mexkins," he said.

She's understanding, I said.

"Lookie here, Clyde," said Elroy. "Now you know I'm always thinkin' of your fantasies. Ain't that right? Well, I done brought you a present."

I wasn't sure whether that was good or bad.

But it was O.K.

What Elroy Blunt brought into the bathroom was what he described as a debutante from Savannah. Name of Sandi.

"This here's Sandi," he said.

I said it was a pleasure.

Sandi was solid built and she had orange hair piled up, and her eyes were-painted dark purple, and she looked somewhat bored.

Elroy said, "If you will note, Clyde, young Sandi here is a lady with a whole dress full of titties."

She certainly was, I said.

Elroy said, "Now, Clyde, if a man was to rate this particular set of delectable lungs on a scale of Small, Medium, Large, Gigantic and Just Right, where would you say they stood?"

Pretty close to all right, I said, and they were.

"Strong, ain't they?" Elroy grinned, squeezing on one of Sandi's enormous lungs and kissing her on the cheek.

Sandi didn't seem to change her expression much. Her lashes flapped, that's all.

"Now, Clyde, one of the things they teach a Junior Leaguer in Savannah, I found out, is to start their tongue on a man's big toes and work their way all the way up to the backside of his teeth.

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